Today Pill Popping Mormon Mommy (my local readership knows of whom I speak) told me that Furniture Row was opening a new store in Dacono.
"I would love that!" she said.
"Mh hmh." I said.
"Someday you will, too!" she says. Yep, certainly, one day my wits will vacate my mind and take my sense of style with it and I will rejoice at the opening of a furniture store in Redneck Capital, USA.
"Mh hmh." I said.
Then it gets real weird.
"You need to find a rich man."
As my brain was exploding in tiny mushroom clouds in my skull, I calmly told her that I don't need a rich husband.
I've told her on many occasions that I am a liberal, non-Christian who doesn't really plan on getting married.
This does not work with PPMM's Vicodin-addled, brainwashed hamsterwheel brain.
Here are a few of the inanities she has said to me in the past:
Me: "I am not a Christian."
PPMM: "That's not TRUE! You're a nice person!"
Me: "Money isn't everything." (explaining that I've taken a pay cut to work here)
PPMM: "Yes it is."
Me: "I don't know that I'll ever get married."
PPMM: *stunned silence*
Me: "I am a liberal."
PPMM: "Everyone should be conservative. Then we would all be Republicans!"
Ugh. What I really should have said when she told me I need a rich husband:
"Why? So he can buy me a convertible?"
See, PPMM is the most impulsive buyer in the world. I have seen her buy cars and cemetery plots on a whim, and as soon as I take out the office supply catalog, she has to find something else to buy. She can't NOT spend money. But then, her husband is an arrogant, dismissive prick of a Victorian patriarch who treats her like a child, her gay son is clingy and whiny enough to make Paris Hilton look like Hillary Clinton and her daughter calls daily from a dreary, Exurban hell in Texas where she has no close friends, despite the fact that she did find the sought-after "rich man." PPMM herself is a raging hypochondriac whose Vicodin intake rivals Eminem and Rush Limbaugh combined. Her faith tells her that money buys happiness- you get into Rich People's heaven. The Book of Mormon says that the poor are unresourceful and lazy.
Friends, this is a subset of the Bush Voter species in action. Driven by capitalist zeal and religious fundamentalism, she can't conceive of a single woman who is just happy with her Saab, her career and herself- sans Rich Man.
Speaking of the convertible, I hear it's chilly in DC- all these rail-thin Florida and Texas matrons are shivering like Chihuahuas in their fox fur coats. Poor dears. I'll think of them today while I drive with the top down in the 70-degree record highs, blaring Hail to the Thief.