Thursday, January 20, 2005

Freakin' weird

Today Pill Popping Mormon Mommy (my local readership knows of whom I speak) told me that Furniture Row was opening a new store in Dacono.
"I would love that!" she said.

"Mh hmh." I said.

"Someday you will, too!" she says. Yep, certainly, one day my wits will vacate my mind and take my sense of style with it and I will rejoice at the opening of a furniture store in Redneck Capital, USA.

"Mh hmh." I said.

Then it gets real weird.

"You need to find a rich man."

As my brain was exploding in tiny mushroom clouds in my skull, I calmly told her that I don't need a rich husband.

I've told her on many occasions that I am a liberal, non-Christian who doesn't really plan on getting married.

This does not work with PPMM's Vicodin-addled, brainwashed hamsterwheel brain.

Here are a few of the inanities she has said to me in the past:

Me: "I am not a Christian."
PPMM: "That's not TRUE! You're a nice person!"

Me: "Money isn't everything." (explaining that I've taken a pay cut to work here)
PPMM: "Yes it is."

Me: "I don't know that I'll ever get married."
PPMM: *stunned silence*

Me: "I am a liberal."
PPMM: "Everyone should be conservative. Then we would all be Republicans!"

Ugh. What I really should have said when she told me I need a rich husband:

"Why? So he can buy me a convertible?"

See, PPMM is the most impulsive buyer in the world. I have seen her buy cars and cemetery plots on a whim, and as soon as I take out the office supply catalog, she has to find something else to buy. She can't NOT spend money. But then, her husband is an arrogant, dismissive prick of a Victorian patriarch who treats her like a child, her gay son is clingy and whiny enough to make Paris Hilton look like Hillary Clinton and her daughter calls daily from a dreary, Exurban hell in Texas where she has no close friends, despite the fact that she did find the sought-after "rich man." PPMM herself is a raging hypochondriac whose Vicodin intake rivals Eminem and Rush Limbaugh combined. Her faith tells her that money buys happiness- you get into Rich People's heaven. The Book of Mormon says that the poor are unresourceful and lazy.

Friends, this is a subset of the Bush Voter species in action. Driven by capitalist zeal and religious fundamentalism, she can't conceive of a single woman who is just happy with her Saab, her career and herself- sans Rich Man.


Speaking of the convertible, I hear it's chilly in DC- all these rail-thin Florida and Texas matrons are shivering like Chihuahuas in their fox fur coats. Poor dears. I'll think of them today while I drive with the top down in the 70-degree record highs, blaring Hail to the Thief.


  1. I almost pissed my pants.
    you're funny, teller of truths who is not believed.


  2. Yes, not every gal is on the hunt for that rich husband. Can't people be happy, alone? Or just dating?

  3. Im sorry, but I think you need to get a life, and stop whining about your ignorant friend. Its not her fault her yuppy husband pampers her and her littlehomo of a son, just be happy she doesnt slap you for being such an arrogant bitch.

  4. i agree with that person