Monday, January 03, 2005

The year in review

Okay, folks. It's been a big year for all of us: let's turn to Google News to run through the happenings:

January:

Bush gives a State of the Union Address:
Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world. The American economy is growing stronger. The tax relief you passed is working.


And by "working" we mean "putting us into the second Great Depression, only this time we don't have Woody Guthrie to get us through it."

Condi Rice finally admits that the reports of Iraq's WMD were somewhat exaggerated. And yet, she still remains on the party line:
"With Saddam Hussein, we were dealing with somebody who had used weapons of mass destruction, who had attacked his neighbours twice, who was allowing terrorists to run in his country and was funding terrorists outside of his country," Ms Rice told CBS news.


Good girl. You get a treat . . . and a promotion!

Now stop humping the president's leg. Good girl.

Casualties in Iraq continue to climb. Mission accomplished?

February:


The president
calls for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage:
"A county in New Mexico has also issued marriage licenses to applicants of the same gender. And unless action is taken, we can expect more arbitrary court decisions, more litigation, more defiance of the law by local officials, all of which adds to uncertainty."


And you simply cannot have uncertainty. This brings to mind the rambling prophet from "The Life of Brian:"
There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.


We all know how Red voters hate to be confused. 'Specially when it comes to those gay folk. But honestly, the man's had 4 years to try and put this into law. If he hasn't yet, he's not going to. Memo to voters who showed up because you hate gays: You just got dogged.

March:

In a truly "let them eat cake moment," the president suggests that the answer to joblessness is . . . wait for it . . . community college!
"And so long as the community college has got able leadership, like educational entrepreneurs like Lucille, and are willing to be flexible, you can actually match people with the skills needed to work in the new jobs of the 21st century. Listen, our economy is changing. We're a productive work force. And some people need to be retrained in order to be productive workers. And the community college is a great place to do so."


Yeah- all of you electrical engineers who have been outsourced to India? Guess what? You can take a stenography or welding class at your local VoTech and it will all be wine and roses once more!

In Madrid, a bomb rips apart four commuter trains in an apparent terrorist attack. The attack is the most horrendous attack on a Western nation since 9/11. Condoleeza tells us that this is a "skirmish" in the war on terror. Those of us who can think for ourselves realize a sad fact: the war has nothing to do with terrorism.

April:

The 9/11 commission meets with the president. His answer to everything: None of your goddamned business.

May:

Rumblings begin about a Palme D'Or-winning film, which paints a none-too flattering picture of the Prez. Disney decides it's too hot for them, but the beauty part of the film industry is that there are plenty of angry liberals out on the Left coast. And so, Fahrenheit 9/11 is born.

Polish Prime Minister Leszek Miller resigns the day after Poland becomes a member of the European Union. His government was the most unpopular of the nine that have ruled Poland since the fall of the communist regime in 1989. (Added so I can't be accused of forgetting Poland).

Joke: What do you call the over 75 percent of Polish residents who desire a full military pull-out from Iraq?

Answer: Exit Poles.

(From Wikipedia) In an open letter to George W. Bush more than 50 former high-ranking United States diplomats (including former ambassadors to Saudi Arabia and Qatar) complain about the Bush administration's policy towards the Middle East claiming that the President's approach, and specifically his endorsement of Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's disengagement plan, is losing the U.S. "credibility, prestige and friends."

Suggested Hed: Bush to seasoned diplomats: "Eat Me."

June:

Fahrenheit 9/11 breaks the record for highest opening-weekend earnings in the United States for a documentary, earning US$23.9 million.

The thing I remember about going and seeing the movie was the fact that they had armed cops at the exits. The Patriot act in action.

Female Wal-Mart workers sign a class action discrimination suit against their employer.

Tell me again why anyone shops there?

July:

The Vatican denounces feminism, citing claims that it "blurs differences between men and women and threatens the institution of the traditional family of one man and one woman," stating that the drive for equality makes "homosexuality and heterosexuality virtually equivalent, in a new model of polymorphous sexuality".

In this century. Just so you know.

August:

Canada's Federal justice minister Irwin Cotler announces that the federal government will no longer resist court proceedings aiming to require provincial governments to issue same-sex marriage licenses.

And then all of Canada's hetero couples get divorced and start marrying their cats and Toronto goes up in the flames of God's Wrath. Or not.

September:

Bush is spanked handily by challenger John Kerry in the first of three debates. Not like it matters. The American voter harbors a deep and abiding hatred toward people who are good at debates. Ask any junior-high debate champ.

Hurricane Ivan rips through the South. Bush gives Florida 3 billion in aid. His official statement: "who's your daddy?"

October:

Osama Bin Laden appears on a videotape on Arabic TV, once again taunting the president and threatening attacks. In his statement he says:
"We have not found it difficult to deal with the Bush administration in light of the resemblance it bears to the regimes in our countries, half of which are ruled by the military and the other half of which are ruled by the sons of kings and presidents."


You know, those idiots with the "9 out of 10 terrorists agree: anybody but Bush" T-shirts need a good swift kick to the face. Bin Laden doesn't "hate our freedom," he hates oppression. Wrap your fundie brains around that one, nutjobs.

And for some reason, this transcript didn't wind up on American TV?


November:

The election. I'm not going to say the man stole the election, but with friends like these and the gay marriage issue on the ballot in 11 states, I'm not going to say it was a clean race, either.

On the upside, Democrats gain some ground in my home state of Colorado, giving us the first Democratically-controlled state legislature in 44 years. The Republicans may have forgotten one of the primary tenets in politics: all politics are local. And if you lose a state that you've owned since the Kennedy era, you're in trouble.

Arafat dies. Bush looks at his death as an opportunity for peace. And like all opportunities for peace, he will happily ignore it.

December:

Rumsfeld dismisses the query of a soldier on the subject of armored vehicles, saying that "You go to war with the army you have, not the one you want."

Showing once again that if you poke anyone in this administration in the ribs with a hard question, they will basically tell you to go fuck yourself.

He then orders court-martials six soldiers seen pirating armor from destroyed Army vehicles. And a Merry Christmas to you too, SecDef.

Time Magazine names Bush "Person of the Year."



What a year. I'm glad to see it go.



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