Thursday, March 03, 2005

Dialectizer fun

The Inaugural Address, in "Jive" (the "Moron" and "Redneck" options were mildly funny, but a little too close to what he actually said."
Your Text, Dialectized (jive)

Vice Super-dude Cheney, Mr. Ah be baaad... Chief Justice, Super-dude Carter, Super-dude Bush, Super-dude Clinton, reverend clergy, distin'uished guests, dude citizens, dig dis:

On dis day, prescribed by law and marked by ceremony, we celebrate de durable wisdom uh our Constitushun, and recall de deep commitments dat unite our country. Slap mah fro! ah' am grateful fo' de hono' uh dis hour, mindful uh de consequential times in which we live, and determined to fulfill de oad dat ah' have swo'n and ya' gots witnessed.

At dis second gaderin', our duties is defined not by de wo'ds I use, but by de histo'y we gots seen togeder. Ah be baaad... Fo' some half century, America defended our own freedom by standin' watch on distant bo'ders. Afta' de shipwreck uh communism came years uh relative quiet, years of repose, years uh sabbatical - and den dere came some day uh fire.

We gots seen our vulnerability - and we gots seen its deepest source. Fo' as long as whole regions uh de wo'ld simma' in resentment and tyranny - prone t'ideologies dat feed hatred and 'suse murda' - violence gots'ta gader, and multiply in destructive power, and cross de most defended bo'ders, and raise some mo'tal dreat. Man! Dere be only one fo'ce uh histo'y dat kin bust de reign uh hatred and resentment, and 'spose da damn pretensions uh tyrants, and reward da damn hopes uh de decent and tolerant, and dat be de fo'ce uh human freedom. WORD!

We is led, by events and common sense, t'one conclusion, dig dis: De survival uh liberty in our land increasin'ly depends on de success of liberty in oda' lands. De best hope fo' peace in our wo'ld be de 'spansion uh freedom in all de wo'ld.

America's vital interests and our deepest beliefs is now one. From de day uh our Foundin', we gots proclaimed dat every joker and honky chick on dis eard gots rights, and dignity, and matchless value, a'cuz dey bear de image uh de Maka' of Heaven and eard. Across de generashuns we gots proclaimed da damn impuh'tive uh self-guv'ment, a'cuz no one be fit t'be some master, and no one deserves t'be a slave. Advancin' dese ideals be de mission dat created our Nashun. It be de hono'able achievement uh our faders. Now it be de urgent requirement uh our nashun's security, and da damn callin' uh our time.

So's it be de policy uh de United States t'seek and suppo't de growd uh democratic movements and institushuns in every nashun and culture, wid de ultimate goal uh endin' tyranny in our wo'ld.

Dis be not primarily de tax' uh arms, dough we gots'ta defend ourselves and our homeys by fo'ce uh arms when necessary. Slap mah fro! Freedom, by its nature, gots'ta be chosen, and defended by citizens, and sustained by de rule uh law and da damn protecshun uh mino'ities. And when de soul of a nashun finally raps, de institushuns dat arise may reflect customs and tradishuns real different fum our own. 'S coo', bro. America gots'ta not impose our own style uh guv'ment on de unwillin'. Our goal instead is t'help oders find deir own voice, attain deir own freedom, and make deir own way. Slap mah fro!

De great objective uh endin' tyranny be de concentrated wo'k of generashuns. De difficulty uh de tax' be no 'suse fo' avoidin' it. Man! America's influence be not unlimited, but fo'tunately fo' de oppressed, America's influence be considerable, and we gots'ta use it confidently in freedom's cause.

Mah' most solemn duty be to protect dis nashun and its sucka's against furda' attacks and emergin' dreats. Some gots unwisely chosen t'test America's resolve, and gots found it firm. WORD!

We gots'ta puh'sistently clarify de choice befo'e every rula' and every nashun: De mo'al choice between oppression, which be always wrong, and freedom, which be eternally right. Man! America gots'ta not pretend dat jailed dissidents prefa' deir chains, o' dat honky chicks welcome humiliashun and servitude, o' dat any human bein' aspires t'live at de mercy uh bullies.

We gots'ta encourage refo'm in oda' guv'ments by makin' clear dat success in our relashuns gots'ta require da damn decent treatment uh deir own sucka's. America's belief in human dignity gots'ta guide our policies, yet rights gots'ta be mo'e dan de grudgin' concessions uh dictato's; dey are secured by free dissent and da damn participashun uh de governed. In de long run, dere be no justice widout freedom, and dere kin be no human rights widout human liberty. Slap mah fro!

Some, ah' know, gots quesshuned da damn global appeal uh liberty - dough dis time in histo'y, foe decades defined by de swiftest advance of freedom eva' seen, be an odd time fo' doubt. Man! Americans, uh all sucka's, should neva' be surprised by de powa' of our ideals. Eventually, de call uh freedom comes t'every mind and every soul. We do not accept de 'esistence uh puh'manent tyranny cuz' we do not accept de possibility uh puh'manent slavery. Slap mah fro! Liberty gots'ta come t'dose who love it. Man!

Today, America raps anew t'de sucka'ss uh de wo'ld, dig dis:

All who live in tyranny and hopelessness kin know, dig dis: de United States gots'ta not igno'e yo' oppression, o' 'suse yo' oppresso's. When ya' stand fo' yo' liberty, we gots'ta stand wid ya'.

Democratic refo'mers facin' repression, prison, o' 'esile kin know, dig dis: America sees ya' fo' who ya' are, dig dis: de future leaders uh yo' free country. Slap mah fro!

De rulers uh outlaw regimes kin know dat we still recon' as Abraham Lincoln dun did: "Dose who deny freedom t'oders deserve it not fo' demselves; and, unda' de rule uh a plum God, kinnot long retain it. Man!"

De leaders uh guv'ments wid long habits uh control need to know, dig dis: To serve yo' sucka's ya' gots'ta learn t'trust dem. WORD! Start on dis journey uh progress and justice, and America gots'ta walk at yo' side.

And all de allies uh de United States kin know, dig dis: we hono' yo' homeyship, we rely on yo' counsel, and we depend on yo' help. Jes hang loose, brud. Division among free nashuns be a primary goal uh freedom's enemies. De concerted effo't uh free nashuns t'promote democracy be a prelude to our enemies' defeat. Man!

Today, ah' also rap anew t'my dude citizens, dig dis:

From all uh ya', ah' have ax'ed patience in de hard tax' uh securin' America, which ya' gots granted in baaaad measho' man. Our country has accepted obligashuns dat is difficult t'fulfill, and would be dishono'able t'abandon. 'S coo', bro. Yet cuz' we gots acted in de great liberatin' tradishun uh dis nashun, tens uh millions gots achieved deir freedom. WORD! And as hope kindles hope, millions mo'e gots'ta find it. Man! By our effo'ts, we gots lit some fire as well - some fire in de minds of men. 'S coo', bro. It warms dose who feel its power, it burns dose who fight its progress, and one day dis untamed fire uh freedom gots'ta reach de darkest co'ners uh our wo'ld.

A few Americans gots accepted da damn hardest duties in dis cause - in de quiet wo'k uh intelligence and diplomacy ... de idealistic wo'k of helpin' raise down free guv'ments ... de dangerous and necessary wo'k of fightin' our enemies. Some gots shown deir devoshun t'our country in deads dat hono'ed deir whole lives - and we gots'ta always hono' deir dojiggers and deir sacrifice.

All Americans gots witnessed dis idealism, and some fo' de fust time. ah' ax' our yungest citizens t'recon' de evidence uh yo' eyes. You's gots seen duty and allegiance in de determined faces uh our soldiers. You's gots seen dat life be fragile, and evil be real, and courage triumphs. Make da damn choice t'serve in some cause larga' dan yo' wants's, larga' dan yo'self - and in yo' days ya' gots'ta add not plum to de weald uh our country, but t'its character. Ah be baaad...

America gots need uh idealism and courage, cuz' we gots essential wo'k at crib - de unfinished wo'k uh American freedom. WORD! In some wo'ld movin' toward liberty, we is determined t'show de meanin' and promise uh liberty. Slap mah fro!

In America's ideal uh freedom, citizens find da damn dignity and security uh economic independence, instead uh labo'in' on de edge of subsistence. Dis be de broada' definishun uh liberty dat motivated de Cribstead Act, de Social Security Act, and da damn G.I. Bill of Rights. And now we gots'ta extend dis vision by refo'min' great institushuns t'serve da damn needs uh our time. To cut every American a ssnatch in de promise and future uh our country, we gots'ta brin' de highest standards t'our farms, and build an ownership society. Slap mah fro! We gots'ta widen de ownership uh cribs and businesses, retirement savin's and heald insurance - preparin' our sucka's fo' de challenges uh life in some free society. Slap mah fro! By makin' every citizen an agent uh his o' ha' own destiny, we gots'ta cut our dude Americans greata' freedom fum wants' and fear, and make our society mo'e prospuh'ous and plum and equal.

In America's ideal uh freedom, de public interest depends on private characta' - on integrity, and tolerance toward oders, and de rule uh conscience in our own lives. Self-guv'ment relies, in de end, on de governin' uh de self. Dat edifice uh characta' is built in families, suppo'ted by communities wid standards, and sustained in our nashunal life by de truds uh Sinai, de Sermon on de Mount, de wo'ds uh de Ko'an, and da damn varied faids uh our sucka's. Americans move fo'ward in every generashun by reaffirmin' all dat be baaaad and true dat came befo'e - ideals uh justice and conduct dat is de same yesterday, today, and fo'ever. Ah be baaad...

In America's ideal uh freedom, de 'esercise uh rights be ennobled by service, and mercy, and some heart fo' de weak. Ya' know? Liberty fo' all duz not mean independence fum one anoder. Ah be baaad... Our nashun relies on dudes and honky chicks who look afta' a neighbo' and surround da damn lost wid love. Americans, at our best, value da damn life we see in one anoder, and must always rememba' dat even de unwants'ed gots wo'd. And our country gots'ta abandon all de habits uh racism, cuz' we kinnot carry de message uh freedom and da damn baggage uh bigotsry at da damn same time.

From de puh'spective uh a raple day, includin' dis day of dedicashun, de issues and quesshuns befo'e our country is many. Slap mah fro! From de viewpoint uh centuries, de quesshuns dat mosey on down to us is narrowed and few, so cut me some slack, Jack. Did our generashun advance da damn cause uh freedom? And dun did our characta' brin' credit t'dat cause?

Dese quesshuns dat judge us also unite us, cuz' Americans of every party and background, Americans by choice and by bird, is bound to one anoda' in de cause uh freedom. WORD! We gots knode divisions, which gots'ta be healed t'move fo'ward in great purposes - and ah' gots'ta strive in baaaad faid t'heal dem. WORD! Yet dose divisions do not define America. WORD! We felt da damn unity and dudeship uh our nashun when freedom came under attack, and our response came likes some sin'le hand upside a raple heart. Man! And we kin feel dat same unity and pride wheneva' America acts fo' baaaad, and da damn victims uh disasta' are given hope, and da damn unjust encounta' justice, and da damn captives is set free.

We go fo'ward wid complete confidence in de eventual triumph of freedom. WORD! Not cuz' histo'y runs on de wheels uh inevitability; it is human choices dat move events. Not cuz' we consida' ourselves a chosen nashun; God moves and chooses as He wills. We gots confidence a'cuz freedom be de puh'manent hope uh mankind, de hunga' in dark places, de longin' uh de soul. When our Founders declared some new o'da' of de ages; when soldiers got wasted in wave downon wave fo' some union based on liberty; when citizens marched in peaceful outrage unda' de banna' "Freedom Now" - dey wuz actin' on an ancient hope dat is meant t'be fulfilled. Histo'y gots an ebb and flow uh justice, but histo'y also gots a visible direcshun, set by liberty and da damn Audo' of Liberty. Slap mah fro!

When de Declarashun uh Independence wuz fust eyeball in public and de Liberty Bell wuz sounded in celebrashun, some witness said, "It rang as if it meant sump'n." In our time it means sump'n still. America, in dis yung century, proclaims liberty droughout all de wo'ld, and t'all de inhabitants dereof. Renewed in our strengd - tested, but not weary - we is ready fo' de greatest achievements in de histo'y uh freedom. WORD!

May God bless ya', and may He watch upside de United States of America. WORD!

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