Tuesday list . . .
But first, behold! Forced Democracy in action!
And now, the list:
ACTUAL QUESTIONS I'VE RECEIVED OVER THE PHONE AT WORK (and my imagined responses)
- "That article was kind of unclear. Could you, I don't know, rewrite it and run it again?"
(How about you just read it again, moron?)
- "Do you know how many of those new whooping cough cases were caused by (sinister drop in voice tone) illegal immigrants?
(Oh, probably nowhere near the number of cases spread by the white man via diseased blankets. But I don't know a specific number.)
- "Do you know where I should send my water bill?"
(I'm thinking you should probably send it wherever you got it from. But we're just the newspaper so what would I know about your water bill?!)
- "I want to place an ad but I don't want to pay for it. Do you know who I can talk to?"
(Uh . . . I think that wherever you go, the answer will be the same. Here, for fun, I'll transfer you to the mailroom!)
- "Can you print a version of the paper for me where the type is bigger?"
(For you? Anything!)
- "Did you know that AOL is going to start charging us for e-mail?!"
(No way! And did you know that I am a wealthy emissary from Nigeria, commissioned to carry a large sum of money from my offshore bank account and I need your help?!)
LINES FROM REAL OBITUARIES I'VE PROOFED AND PUBLISHED:
- "In her idea of heaven, she is married to Elvis Presley, who is also the quarterback of the Broncos and they win every superbowl."
- "Mr. Brockish was also known as "Brenda" by some in the community."
- "Mr. Conilogue enjoyed travel and will be remembered for spreading joy via the "hooey stick" and his flavored popcorn."
- "She enjoyed painting ceramics. Mrs. Ocobock loved her dog, Brittney; fast cars and spending time with her grandchildren." (go granny go!)