OK, so after a debauched weekend and remembering that although today feels like Monday, it's really just a clever imposter, I decided that I don't have any good list ideas. So, here are some that I stole from the good folks over at McSweeneys. They are better at this than me:
PICKUP LINES USED BY MARIO
BY CHRISTOPHER DOODY
- - - -
"Are you a magic feather? Because my heart just grew a tail, and flew away."
"If you were a warp tube, I'd be in you all day."
"Are you a magic mushroom? Because you are making me grow."
"Are you a magic flower? Because you are burning me up."
"I'd rather ride you than Yoshi any day."
"If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago."
"If I had the choice, I would gladly spend my 100 coins on you instead of on an extra life."
"You don't have to turn on a game to play with me."
"They don't call me Super for nothing."
REASONS I DON'T FEEL LIKE FAMILY WHEN AT THE OLIVE GARDEN
BY MATTHEW ROREM
- - - -
The hostess never hints that she'd really like it if I went to law school.
The busboy is always very polite about denying my requests for money.
The waiter never hits me, pulls my hair, or tells on me for things I never did.
The manager never cheats on my dad.
The dishwashers don't like it when I hug them goodbye.
JOBS MICKEY GOLDMILL GOT FIRED FROM BEFORE BECOMING ROCKY BALBOA'S BELOVED COACH
BY JONATHAN SHIPLEY
- - - -
Waiter at Olive Garden
"You're gonna eat lightnin' and you're gonna crap thunder!"
Docent at the Museum of Natural History
"You ever fought a dinosaur, kid?"
"Now remember I want 500 hard ones. Go!"
"I think that people die sometimes when they don't wanna live no more."
Volunteer at Local Soup Kitchen
"I'm running a business here, not a soup kitchen."
"Down! Down! Stay down!"
Stock Boy at Payless ShoeSource
"Women weaken legs!"
Assistant Manager at KFC
"I want you to chase this little chicken."
Salesman at Sleep Country USA
"Don't lay down like this! Like, uh, I don't know, like some kind of mongrel or something."
Wake-up Caller at Holiday Inn
"Get up, you son of a bitch! 'Cause Mickey loves you!"