Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The triumphant return of Tuesday Lists

FAILED PREMISES FOR DYSTOPIAN FICTION

1. A world in which tapirs evolved from man.

2. A civilization in which all thought and human interaction is dictated by the Home Shopping Network.

3. A world dominated by passive-agressive, Midwestern androids who don't so much violently impose their will on the last struggling vestiges of humanity, but sort of guilt them into doing their bidding.

4. Mormons have taken over- but somehow they still manage to believe that they are the most persecuted group of people on the planet.

5. Hipsters become the ruling class, and one brave individual and his lover must fight against the tyranny of horn-rimmed glasses, cardigan sweaters and sensitive, instrumental rock music.

6. Paris Hilton buys the world, covers it in Swarovski crystals and commands a fearsome army of armored, teacup Chihuahuas.



And, bogarted from Motorbikequeen, former Coe schoolmate, Cabaret cast member and all-around cool friend, who is currently teaching English in Thailand:

AN ANNOTATED SELECTION OF THINGS THAT ENGLISH-AS-A-SECOND-LANGUAGE STUDENTS AT CHIANG-MAI UNIVERSITY WANT TO DO BEFORE THEY DIE:

1. "date with keanu reeves."
2. "kiss my sweetheart."
3. "kick my friends." (this showed up multiple times)
4. "shoot the gun."
5. "go heaven."
6. "eat sandwich and KFC every dinner."
7. "buy a shoe."
8. "have dinner with my lover."
9. "build a new house for my family--bigger and saver."
10. "learn or study in Canada."
11. "die before my parents."
12. "i want my sister to marry with a good and handsome guy."
13. "i want to know about gay."
14. "i want to drink beer."
15. "won the lottery price."
16. "make petroleum for Thai people and this petroleum will never lose and can use forever."
17. "meet my soulmate. (maybe get married.)"
18. "be the good child for my parents."
19. "sing and dance at the intersection."
20. "stop the war of the world."
21. "close my school and take the students to eat ice cream together."
22. "rob the bank."
23. "take all the lizard out of the world."
24. "owner to sheep farm."
25. "eat apples about 2 kg."
26. "meet E.T."
27. "go to visit Dhali lama's house."
28. "run in the rain."
29. "help women that are oppressed in jordan."
30. "choose my coffin."
31. "sleep with my parents."
32. "donate every part of my body."
33. "be alone."
34. "be buffalo."
35. "i want to somebody love me."
36. "i want to be a god."
37. "i want to be no die."
38. "jump edifice to next edifice." (dictionary/thesaurus help, no?)
39. "see the big bang."
40. "control the time."
41. "design a build."
42. "drive a f-16."
43. "to be a perfect guy."
44. "ride a shark."
45. "take photo with miss universe."
46. "be clever."
47. "make some food." then "eat some food."
48. "go to every pub in the world."
49. "say 'hot guy' to Andy Roddick."
50. "wear the skirt."

5 comments:

  1. Dystopian three and six would be fodder for Douglas Adams if he were still with us.

    And who among us doesn't want to "wear the skirt"?

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  2. Sing and dance at the intersection sounds right up my street.

    -mnkid

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  3. Who doesn't want to stop war of the worlds? Tom Cruise must be stopped!

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  4. Wouldn't Tom Cruise have to get going before you could actually stop him?

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  5. Dystopian Five! Wait, I land in dystopian five whenever I go to certain rock shows and am made to feel very unhip by the cool kids and their skinny scarves.

    Especially those little buggers who say, "I was listening to Mission of Burma since their first record"! And they're younger than me. And they have skinny scarves and drink Pabst with irony. Grrrr ...

    Didn't mean to monopolize. Dystopian Five set me off!

    ps - Yosef, I'm on your side! And I ain't even watching that crapfest!

    ReplyDelete