Monday, December 19, 2005

Merry Jesusmas

OK, it happens every year. Bill O'Reilly and his little cabal of "so what if we are contemptible, immoral assholes, we stand up for Christian Values!" twits chime in for the War On Christmas Chorus.

They seem to think that the fact that the Gap says "Happy Holidays" in its commercials rather than "Jesusy Christmas and a very Christy Jesus to you, good sir!" is a sign that Christianity is under attack by secular humanists in $70 khakis.

But here's the thing- ever since these fuckwits decided that there was a war on Christmas, every "Merry Christmas" that I hear or see has a sourly defensive, passive aggressive ring to it. Like it's suddenly such a conspicuously victimy thing to say. Like they're really saying, "I'm a Christian, so I'm gonna say Merry Christmas and you just have to fucking deal with it, whether you believe like I do or not, heathen!" It has ceased to be a friendly greeting and has instead taken on the personality of "God Bless." You know, when one of those angry pro-school-prayer types gets all in a huff about if only prayer were still allowed in schools, those skanky little teen moms would have kept their legs crossed, and oh, yeah, God Bless!

The new Christian Right has taken their benevolent greetings and turned them all into a challenge. Merry Christmas is now tantamount to "My God is going to smite you down, mufuggah!" God Bless is now "Ain't it just so sad you and all your politically correct friends will be spending eternity doing the backstroke in a lake of fire?" And they've turned around the secular greetings like "Happy Holidays" and "Seasons Greetings" to mean "We denounce your religion and it's only for lack of lions that you are still allowed to practice your faith in this godless, homo-luving Sodom we call the US of A."

It would be a lot funnier if not for the sheer irony of it. Here are Christians, people that belong to a faith that around 80 percent of America identifies with in some way. Here is the vast majority, somehow managing to construct a reality in which they are a persecuted minority. And they do it every year.

Anyway. Very light blogging this week, seeing as how I have to prep for the ABWA event Wednesday and try to get two week's worth of daily newspaper stuff done in five days. But at any rate, happy winter holiday greetings . . . you poor condemned secular humanists, you.

Only in America, I guess.


  1. The reason they feel like a minority is that while 80% of Americans identify as Christians, maybe only about 30% fit their definition of "true believers". All those Methodists and Episcopalians and Lutherans and Presbyterians and Quakers and United Church of Christ types out there are heathens as far as they're concerned.

  2. Ideologues are addicted to hyperbole.

  3. Have a Merry and a Happy.

    Fill in your own blanks. Be merry and happy.