Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tuesday Lists: Jaded Edition

THINGS THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO THINK ARE GOOD, BUT ARE REALLY NOT, SO FAR AS I CAN TELL.

1. The Olive Garden
2. Exploring nuclear energy technologies
3. John Mayer
4. "CSI: Miami"
5. Kim Cattrall as "Samantha"
6. Organized religion
7. "The DaVinci Code"
8. Kohl's
9. The Cadillac Escalade
10. Crocs.

TASKS THAT ARE APPARENTLY SO DIFFICULT THAT PEOPLE CAN ONLY PERFORM THEM IN A HORRORSCAPE OF BLACK AND WHITE UNTIL AN AS-SEEN-ON-TV PRODUCT SAVES THEM FROM THEIR OWN NIGHTMARE OF INCOMPETENCE AND BRINGS THEM INTO A WORLD OF COLOR AND CONVENIENCE:

1. Draining pasta
2. Chopping vegetables
3. Storing leftovers
4. Doing a sit-up
5. Shaving one's legs
6. Cooking an egg
7. Sleeping

7 comments:

  1. I want to know who you're hanging out with that told you Olive Garden, John Mayer, or CSI: Miami were "good," so I may order their savage beating with tire irons.

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  2. Have you ever seen those commercials where the woman just got out of the shower and she's got a towel wrapped around her head, so when she answers the phone and holds it up to her head, which is encased in damp terrycloth, she's all like, "What? Huh? I can't hear you. My head is encased in damp terrycloth."

    Those commercials rule.

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  3. I agree with everything you said except one thing -- the Cadillac Escalade is dead mf'ing sexy. Especially the pickup-truck version.

    No, no, I'll show myself out.

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  4. As usual VV brains and beauty!.

    I agree with everything except for Kim Catrall, have had a crush on her since my sister forced me to watch Menequin all those many years ago....

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  5. People think those things are good?


    Well, CSI: Miami is actually pretty good if you watch it as comedy. Think of it as CSI: Miamisquito.

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  6. CSI: Miami is so bad that David Caruso ups its overall quality. SLAP.

    I have long wanted to script CSI: Houston, featuring this town's embattled and incompetently run crime lab. Fingerprints would be dusted using cocaine. Guilt would be proven using the principles of Intelligent Design. Starring Pauly Shore and Medical Examiner 'Hulk' Hogan.

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  7. woah, i laughed a LOT at list number two, and have only this to say to list number one:

    crocs are indespensible when living in a place that actually has a thing called "monsoon season" which is not to be confused with "the rainy season."

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